Hoo boy, I feel silly and selfish doing this but here it is! I’ve made a blog to vocalize my thoughts. Right now I am sitting and figeting with my fingers and its diffcult to not delete everything and run away and hide forever. But let’s not do that anymore. I need something to hang on to and concentrate on. Over the last 2 years, I’ve completely lost myself and all my interests, more in the past 5 months than before. In fact, this sense of “lost” is getting much worse and I am taking a year off school, UBC, to (as cliche as it sounds) find myself again. Well in reality, I need a year of auxillary courses to get back in the loop, re-adjust my life patterns, and incorporate this shit ton of therapy into my life.
I am terrified and saddened of this decision. It is difficult not to feel like a failure when everyone around me is taking internships, travelling, finding awesome life opportunies, and graduating university, while I am stuck in this … how to say… fucking limbo. I hate it and I am so desperate for anything that will make be feel better at this point. So damn desperate, I am swallowing my pride and doing various techniques so I can feel happy again. At this point I will grasp at anything, starting with this blog post and I am not looking back nor editing my thoughts in the future.
Everything is going to be raw and direct as much as I can force myself to do. I will force myself to share this blog and my thoughts. I will force myself to feel comfortable being exposed if its the one thing that will make me happy again.
It is now past my new scheduled bedtime, which should be 12:30am. I am not off to a good start. Shit.