11:20 PM

I’m going to start compiling a list of helpful links and such for anyone that needs them under a tab. Also they are good for my personal reference and for me to get in the habit of searching for resources. 

My worst habit is just hiding away when I feel sad and internalizing it all. It is not good to do that because you’d implode all at once and will not get up without being a different person. I do need private processing time, which is different. 

Private processing occurs when I need to control the mind because things are overwhelming or just need some space to think. I would be on the verge of losing it and am doing my best to take deep breaths to avoid falling off the cliff. I need to be left alone at this time. 

The negative internalizing is when I fell off the cliff and I am drowing. This is when help is needed, or I will get help if I can. This is when I have lost it and need to get up. The bad part is when I am too scared to ask for help and end up hiding the negative feelings and pretending they don’t exist/ “it’s all in your head, Amanda, get over it!” which is an issue of internalized stigma against mental illness. (I have to work on that also, but save that for another blog post.) Thus I will get worse. 

The line between those two are thin but important to note. I’ve noticed that if I need private processing time I will lash out and push people away in a hurtful manner because when I need it, it is a sudden self-defense move to save myself.  I am working on communication skills when it happens, because the same people I lash out at are the ones that can help me get off the ground. Without them, my journey would be much more difficult. I need to respect their feelings and mental health too. They do not deserve to be pushed away and hurt like that and no matter what is going on in my mess of a mind, I will to learn how to communicate. 

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