reality check

From what I am aware of and from how everything feels like right now (2 weeks after the start of the meds and the stabilization of the up and down depressive waves), there are 2 Amandas. I am going to keep track of them. When the 2 Amandas are not split but have combined together, it allows me to be here and typing and processing what is going on in my mind. The ultimate goal is to have a single unified me.

Amanda #1 has been diagnosed with depression. She has been dealing with depression for at least 2 years from what can be remembered but it has gone from “controllable and still manages to carry out day-to-day activities” to “crying for 10 hours and unable to get up from the ground and sleeping excessively” for the past 5 months. In this month (January) she is was encouraged to find a doctor for help because she felt like shit and did not want to feel that way anymore. Amanda #1 wants her normal life back because she has been robbed of life and she has had enough. She has difficulty recognizing herself in the mirror. In fact, she may walk past one and not know who it is. Amanda #1 will literally see “shadow people” when she is alone and scream because they are incredibly frightening looking human shadowy figures. The shadow people watch her in dark corners and follow her everywhere, even appearing in episodes of sleep paralysis. She deals with low self esteem, being afraid of reaching out for help and causing trouble for others, sucidal tendancies, and self-harm but she has friends that look out for her and would take her to emergency.

Because Amanda is split into what it feels like to be two different people, she does not feel like she is depressed but it is because of this that she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Amanda #2 obsesses over hoarding and collecting, especially glass bottles and condoms. She has anxiety (anxiety is not present in Amanda #1). One other thing to note, Amanda #2 appears rarely or only for the 30 minutes- 1 hour after too much sleep or napping, and after caffeine or alcohol (if taken in combination with her anti-depressants). In the period that Amanda #2 is present, symtoms include witnessing her hands shaking, talking weird, doing questionable behaviours, being too brave or reckless, being unable to stop laughing, laughing for no reason, wide open eyes, not sleeping, doing repetitive/ OCD-like behaviours, and this strange hoarding behaviour and ability to find random things out of nowhere.

Despite Amanda #2 being really strange, she looks out for Amanda #1. Many of the things Amanda #2 hoards actually benefits Amanda #1 in unthinkable ways. She will put beverages in ever corner of her room so Amanda #1 will remember to drink fluids. She will put suicide hotline pens and emergency numbers in purses or coat pockets in case Amanda #1 needs it. She has candy everywhere in case of low blood sugar. But Amanda #2 will provide an excessive amount of pens, hotlines, candy, and beverages everywhere for Amanda #1. (Better safe than sorry at least). Amanda #2 also tends to eat foods high in sodium like cheeseburgers and lick road salt. She will vanish with a sudden snap! Or I will be walking and feel as if I’ve woken up and am not sure where I am or where I am going. After Amanda #2 vanishes, my memory of what I did will also vanish. I rely on information given by others of what curious actions they witnessed me doing, bits of left over evidence from Amanda #2, and the tiny, tiny funtioning pockets of memory left in my manic mind.

That is all that I am aware of for now. I am glad, despite the hellish few months that I am experiancing, that Depressed Amanda #1 and Manic Amanda #2 compliment each other and is almost a self-sufficient system if it weren’t for the fact that they are individually getting out of control.


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