8:21 PM

Work today was as if nothing had happened yesterday with the racial harassment. I feel almost foolish for being so sensitive but I have a legitimate reason to be upset. Oh well … a happy ending.

Not looking forward to school tomorrow. On a different note, I caught Xernes in Pokemon X with a single pokeball. Funfunfun!!! I am finding joy in playing video games, especially Pokemon.

work rant

Double post today because missed yesterday… Also I need to rant. Long post.

A white couple accused me of not understanding English today at work. Me, studying political science and social justice, found it extremely hard to deal with it. I was dealing with another customer’s food, and they came by and told me to clean the conveyor belt. 1) I just cleaned it. 2) I cannot clean the conveyor belt if food or people are nearby. 3) I am actually not allowed to clean when there are people in line. 4) I wasn’t even servicing them?? 5) Even the customer I was currently servicing stared in shock at the rudeness of the couple and they said they didn’t care about the conveyor belt (because it is fucking clean, an OCD neat freak like myself really cares about cleaniness).

Anyways, I responded “yes I will clean it after this customer; I cannot clean when people or food are present, or if there are people in my line.” At which they said: “do you not understand me? Can you hear what I am talking about? The English? What is wrong with you? Can you UNDERSTAND me at all?” They repeated that several times, elongating the words. They further accused me of being unable to hear or understand, and that I am too stupid, being an immigrant and all that jazz (but I am born and raised in Canada). All this time, I was not even serving them!! They literally walked past my cash register on their way off somewhere… and they were checking out each of my cashier co-workers too!! They picked me and stood watching and saying my name over and over again, in addition to the verbal racial insults that I am too upset to repeat.

I chose to ignore their harassment after repeating “yes I will clean it after this customer; I cannot clean when people or food are present, or if there are people in my line.” I needed to help other customers whom actually respected me and I cannot take people swearing at me for no logical reason, telling me to get out of Canada. In return? They fucking reported me to the supervisor for being rude. The supervisor came by and at that point I was on the verge of a meltdown. I barely held back the tears (curses for being sensitive). The white couple, sastified by the appearance of the supervisor, left. The supervisor told me they wanted to file a complaint against the company due to me. Fortunately, the supervisor told the racists that she was too busy and apologized on my behalf. She was willing to hear my side of the story and told me to be careful next time, also that there are rude and racist customers all the time. She attempted to make me feel better.

I am thankful that the supervisor in charge today is one whom I’m friends with, and understands my personality. She told me not to worry, which wasn’t too comforting, given the fact that I was scared of being reported, on top with the shock of being harassed to the extent of holding back tears at work. I try really hard at work, I’ve even learned some Mandarin ( I speak Cantonese) to help Mandarin customers understand their shopping. I am never late, nor skip. I don’t ask for days off or to change shifts even when I am sick with a fever. Despite being a cashier, I take it seriously and I put effort into it. I am really upset because I don’t want my hard work to go to waste by two people whom enjoyed hurting me. My goal is to work there for one full year at least but I am at my edge. I’ve had customers throw shopping carts because their checkout items were too expensive, drunk customers fighting, items or bags thrown at me because customers hated the price/ didn’t want the item, verbal harassment … now add racial insults at which if I don’t respond to them, I get reported to the company.

I am extra scared and stressed because this is my first real job and I want to leave on a good note. I hope by tomorrow it will all be forgotten. I’ve held the tears back and cried back home. I need to remind myself not to care when people try to hurt me but I can’t help feeling like a terrible person. I keep thinking what I could have done better, but I don’t think there is a proper way to deal with racial insults and smile politely while on the job. Hang in there, Amanda, you can make the 1 year mark … 2 months to go!

(P.S.: Thank you M.C. for checking on me, I am grateful for your patience … and Happy Anniversary).


4:30 PM

Forgot to post yesterday…. so tired. 

I want to sleep for a month. I’ve decided to not take summer school. Still going to work though because I need to stay moving. It is taking a lot to manage. I can’t stay awake in class or concentrate at all. 

blood test results (I)

I got a call from my family doctor. The blood test results I took at the hospital emergency trip are in. Apparently I need to look at them?!? TIME TO FREAK OUT. I’m already struggling with a mental illness, I do NOT want to deal with a physical one on top or I’m going to die (*note: metaphorically and hyperbolic usage of the word “die”).

Of course me, being the anxiety-ridden paranoid freak that I am, is overthinking the worst case scenario (HIV or some fatal blood disease that god-knows-how-I’ve-caught). I will post the doctor’s visit the day I eventually find time to go. 

ALSO making me flip is my family doctor doesn’t know about my mental stuff and hospitalization. I am not comfortable talking to her about my mental issues, hence me not going to her in the first place. UGH… frickity frack fuck….

11:03 PM

My first official day back at school and I’ve skipped one and 2/3 of a class. The 2/3 part was I fell asleep and went for the last 20minutes just to write my name on the attendance sheet. The only thing holding me back from completely skipping is that attendance sheet. Anyways I’ve gone to one full class. Ugh.

On a different note, I’ve been playing video games and watching anime lately. Not the best hobbies but I’m glad that I’m finding something else to do other than lie in bed crying or feeling sad. I do have a paper due in a week which is 0% complete. I have no motivation to do it. I can’t stand bull shitting another paper; it feels so pointless and a waste of effort. I don’t want to do this anymore but I need to remind myself to hang on because things will get better. At least there are people that care about me and I want to make them happy. I am really hating my school program.

11:15 AM

I am lying in bed debating whether or not to spend 5 hours transiting today for one class. It is an hour long discussion class that is worth participation marks but I honestly do not give a fuck anymore. I wonder if this is Wave 8 talking. An apathetic Wave 8. Or if this is how I am now. I do not want to be like this but today, at the moment, I just stopped caring about everything. I’m saying “screw everything” today and hiding in bed all day. 

It is a pity; the sun is shining and there are clear blue skies. Usually my mood coresponds to the weather. Guess not. I feel like hiding from the bright lights.

12:48 AM

There was a car crash at the intersection near my house. Thankfully no one was hurt; I ran over in case CPR or first aid was needed but only the cars were a bit damaged. Which reminds me… I need to buy a mouth protecter and mini portable first aid kit in case I run into someone that needs help. 

I didn’t go to school today. 2/3 classes were canceled so why bother? It is getting boring for me and going to school is a tedious chore. I’ve become a chronic class skipper this semester but I remind myself that I just need to hang on for 2 more months, then I can let my mind wander. Unfortunately my mind doesn’t care and it does what it wants, whenever it wants. Skipping classes and doing enjoyable things is my one way of putting the mind back in control. I am finding some joy back in the form of making food and playing with my budgies (Crouton and Lettuce).