11:30 PM

So I’ve got a mid-term this upcoming friday (in 6 days) that I haven’t studied for. Its not that I am procrastinating, the words don’t make sense. I mean, I can type my thoughts out and instant message people/ read text messages, but reading books and passages or filling out forms and physically writing makes me lose concentration. Perhaps it is because studying requires concentration for a long time? Nevertheless, it is close to bedtime and I’ve attempted to study today and failed again. I’ve tried audio books too, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Then I get figety and pick at my fingers. I’ve paced back and forth while reading; I’ve tried pacing back and forth with listening to an audio book; nothing is getting into my brain. Videos, online learning, having a physical book in my hand … it just doesn’t work. Nothing feels the same.

My only hope right now is that my mood has been improved, but the mental cloudiness and physical exhaustion is still there. I should be getting a call from the Hospital about being set up with a psychiatrist hopefully soon. If not in the next week, I will call them. My mood may be well, but I feel like my mind is still empty and lost. It is hard to describe, but it is blank. I can smile and laugh, but it feels hollow. In fact laughing feels weird but I do not feel hopeless. Finding motivation is hard, and I think the next step for me is feeling motivated by something, anything. Tomorrow I will try studying for 2 minute intervals and resting for 5. In the meantime, rest is needed.

I am afraid of going to sleep tonight after an unsuccessful study attempt. Lacking the mental motivation to study means the mind is going down again. Sleeping when the mind is down … well that is a whole different story to be told another time: sleep paralysis and the Shadow People.

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