march 14, 2016

Another doctor’s appointment today. The co-fluoxetine isn’t working well based on my constant class skipping, nighty nightmares, and apathetic attitude. Doctor decided to increase the dose from 20 to 40mg.

I’ve decided to delay the increased dose for one week, after I’ve met with my counselor. We need to discuss and go over the emergency plans in case the medicine induced sucidal thoughts reoccur. I’m supposed to start immediately but I am nervous because of what happened last time. I have 2-3 weeks from now before the side effects kick in … in the meantime, I am trying to finish all studying and assignments in these 2-3 weeks. Once the 2-3 weeks are up, I will start telling some friends and put them on high alert in case something happens. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the side effects make me lose control.

Last time, during the increase from 10mg to 20mg, I ended up in emergency. This time, the 20mg to 40mg increase … I hope I have learned enough to prevent anything from happening. It is a double increase and the prospect of facing the wave side effects are frightening. I am taking lots of precautions and planning out the next few months carefully. For one, I have decided to not take summer school and reduce the hours at work. Usually letting myself sleep the waves off are the best way of prevention. Also I am downloading a shit ton of games, movies, and tv show to keep my mind occupied.

So a timeline for my personal planning, based on how I have reacted to the medicine in January/ February :

  1. March 22: start the 40mg dose.
  2. March 22 -April 5: Warn friends and family and ask them to be on high alert. Compile emergeny contacts and emergency plans; make the plans handy and easy to carry around. Finish all homework/ do all studying.
  3. April 5 -12 : suicidal side effects shouldn’t be in full force yet, but the waves are getting intense. Try to excercise and head out with friends.
  4.  April 12 – May 3 : Get ready for mental hell!!! Whoo hooo!!! Get lots of sleep, keep myself preoccupied.
  5.  After May 3 : waves should subside and things get better.

Anyways, I felt sciencey and drew a diagram explaining the “waves”.

During the waves, I swing from feeling ecstatic (1-2 days) and suicidal  (2-3days) over the span of a week with the remainder of the time feeling normal or a bit below normal.  Currently I am below the normal state, after the waves have evened out. I don’t experiance the waves after a month of stabilization. The blue “normal” line on the graph is the goal, so I am going through the 1 and a half weeks of crazy waves again to see if I can get up there. Last time I went through 7ish waves, with the most intense one on the 3-4the waves. Based on last time, I can prepare. I may have gone through the worst time of my life in January, but I am grateful that I can take that experiance to prevent myself from feeling the same next month or anytime in the future.



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