1:54 AM

I am so nervous. Tomorrow (or I should say today) I plan to talk with my German Prof about my class skipping and mental health. It is so intimidating, and I have enough trouble talking to a doctor and conseller about mental health without tears every friggin time. I can’t sleep… I am afraid of crying in front of a university professor. It feels shameful and unprofessional. But I need to do this or risk a zero. I can do this without crying. I need to do this. 

I’m going to dress nice and wear makeup so I am motivated not to ruin my masterpiece. Also it gives me confidence that I don’t look like a mental wreck even if I act like one. Wearing different clothes make me feel different, like if I was performing a violin concert, wearing my performance gear gave me the feeling of a new aura. I am an actress and it is my costume. If I think like that, I can do it.

During my studies of political science, even though I dislike Machiavelli, one particular quote in The Prince resonated with me. He says he dresses like a noble to fit in the mindset of a noble. He describes the power of dressing up and to look like what you want to achieve. It isn’t the appearance that matters, but the costume you put on and thus the part you play in that costume. 

“When evening comes, I go back home, and go to my study. On the threshold I take off my work clothes, covered in mud and filth, and put on the clothes an ambassador would wear. Decently dressed, I enter the ancient courts of rulers who have long since died. There I am warmly welcomed, and I feed on the only food I find nourishing, and was born to savor. I am not ashamed to talk to them, and to ask them to explain their actions. And they, out of kindness, answer me. Four hours go by without my feeling any anxiety. I forget every worry. I am no longer afraid of poverty, or frightened of death. ” -Machiavelli, The Prince.

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