I think we still have some catching up to do! Sorry for the boring business matters. I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I have decided to switch faculties from Arts to Sciences. This choice was difficult. Honestly at first I felt like I wasted 3 years of education, effort, and money for this whim that I had. I am still not sure if I even made the right choice …. but all I know is I feel happier now and more passionate about what I study.
When my whole chaotic depression downward spiral began, I was studying Political Science. It was fun, and writing essay after essay is something to be expected in university. But what wore me down was the fact all the essays were something like “discuss how to solve this political issue” or “discuss why (this vague political problem) happens”. I didn’t like how we all sat in class and discussed a serious issues (like homelessness), talked about ways to solve it, then moved on with our lives and on to another class. We. Didn’t. Do. A. Single. Action. It felt so wrong to me. It makes no sense to simply talk about how people in other countries desperately needed healthcare, and how to solve these issues while sitting in $200+ price tag clothes (well for me it was a hoodie LOL ) and sipping Starbucks!!! Most of the issues we discussed are issues that 18-year-old middle class students would never have experienced … though there were many students in the upper middle-class to high-class range.
They don’t understand the fear of walking home alone at night and being mugged (or worse). They have never heard a gunshot outside their house. They don’t care about wasting food because they will always have their endless allowance from their parents to buy more food. But I do. I know the fear. My parents both came to Canada with nothing. My family once all slept in the same room in a tiny apartment in an unsafe neighborhood. Cheese was a luxury, and I’ve never had real cheese in my childhood. Even today, I have the habit of keeping old leftovers. I feel overwhelming guilt if I cannot finish my food and feel the need to finish it all. My voice was overridden by those that did not understand the very issues that I’ve experienced. I was tired of screaming in a room full of people who plugged their ears at the truth. It is not worth sacrificing myself for people who will not bring political change. No one would listen to the insight of a tiny Asian girl who didn’t have a Michael Kors handbag, a Prada suit, and designer heels.
I continued to push myself in Political Science…. “Maybe things will get more interesting”…. “This is just a hump, I can get over it”…. But as we got more and more specialized, I began to lose interest. It wasn’t something I could see myself doing forever. In fact, I realized, I couldn’t see myself doing this as a career to the extent I didn’t even care to plan out my future. One of the few options that a Political Science future held was law school. As I kid, I though law was cool. Now, since I know what it is about (after attending many seminars) I knew it was not for me. I suppose that is when my depression worsened because I thought “this was all for nothing, I wasted my life, what will I do now?”
I am a woman of action. I believe actions will change people’s lives for the better, not writing essays. Personally, I can only put my heart into something when I truly believe it will benefit people. In my high school music days, I was extremely dedicated and successful in helping my peers, because I truly believed music is a magical thing that connects people of all backgrounds. It was a positive feedback look: the more I helped my peers, the better they got, which made me happy and motivated me to help more. I needed to rediscover my passion. I heard of “Doctors without Borders” or something along the lines of that one day in a Political Science lecture. Then I guess that is where my inspiration began. (Actually the story goes, I heard about “Doctors without Borders” that day at school but didn’t really think of it much, went to my boyfriend’s house and had a long depression cry because I felt so lost and unsure about my future, then the inspiration struck me…. I swore that it would be my goal). Judging from my high school musician days, I liked to help people, and felt rewarded when I see people improve. So why not be a nurse? I like biology and science, so why not? I didn’t want to be a doctor because I would like time to be able to live a separate private life and take care of my 5 turtle children. So I decided, “screw it, I have nothing else left to lose“, and set my heart on nursing, and just focus on it with my blinders on.
Problem? I didn’t take Chemistry 12 or Physics 12. In high school I thought that I’d always stay in arts and become a lawyer, and that there was NO WAY I’d switch….. well jokes on the future me…. thanks for screwing future me up, past me. Also nursing has a long waitlist, and I’m not getting any younger. I’d like to move out soon and have a stable income (to spoil my turtles with fresh yummy fish everyday ~ teehee~). Also I want to start working as a nurse sooner so my mom can quit her shitty non-unionized, minimum wage, shady job that she hates. But I’m trying to be optimistic in the time I have before I get in the program and pursue a biology degree/ more science related credentials that will benefit me once I am in healthcare. I do feel quite happy now, not just because of my medications. I am passionate about what I am pursuing, to the point that I’ve been planning out my future…. which is something I never did as a Political Science student.
I see potential in this path, and think it will feel rewarding to save lives instead of writing/ reading essays. I have no regrets.