Whatever you do, don’t Google that. I did once in an attempt to understand myself, and it scared the shit outta me, which made everything worse! Whoohooo 🙂
I’ve been trying to write this post for a while, but I just didn’t know how to approach it. I mean, how do you summarize your life experiences and condense it so it is understandable, even though you, yourself doesn’t understand it?
Basically whenever I am in a low/depressed /stressed/tired mood, and I walk past a dark room/ dark area, I feel like there is someone or something watching me standing in that dark spot. I’m too scared to analyze it like a protagonist in a horror movie. My reaction is to GTFO or casually speed walk away as if everything is normal (but my heart is pounding and the hairs on my body are standing).
They look like faceless black mannequins with no defined body features. Like an androgynous bald shadow. They’re usually standing with legs and arms slightly apart. What would be the face is staring at me, and the head rotates to follow my direction. I don’t know if it’s the same one each time. But I know if I turn the lights on in that room where it appeared in or shine a flashlight on it, it will vanish/ teleport away to haunt in another lightless place.
Power outages are my weakness. I used to cry and panic as a 10-13 year old. Parents didn’t know why though…. just thought the shock of sudden blackness. As I grew older I managed to hide it and not panic, but my heart would be racing as I tried to find a source of light. (Side note: thank god for cell phone flashlights!)
It’s embarrassing because I’m not afraid of the dark… I’m afraid of the things in the dark. I feel pathetic if I tell someone about this because I don’t want to seem like a coward or be judged. I absolutely hate being called a coward (possibly more than being called short, because height is a fact, and I’ve gotten used to the teasing/ developed ways to calm myself whe pissed at short jokes). It is disappointing because I can public speak, I can kill spiders, I can scream profanities at catcallers, I can do so much, but when I’m sad at night and I turn the lights off to sleep, I am afraid of that thing that appears over my bed. I don’t even know what it wants!! To kill me? Strangle me? Just watch and stare at me all night? Knowing what it wants would help because I could think “What’s the worse that can happen….. (_______) me”? I just want to get things over with… but apparently my agenda doesn’t coincide with that of the shadow people.
Fun fact, when I was 13 or so, I had a dream where I woke up and was still in my bed. A shadowy figure that was shaped like me was standing at the foot of my bed. It jumped up and landed on me…. and I actually felt it. It strangled me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe (sleep paralysis hooray). Finally it took a knife out and stabbed me and I “died” (aka fell back asleep). It has stuck with me ever since as it has been one of the most vivid sleep paralysis incidents with shadow people involved. There has been more than one incident unfortunately.
Seeing the shadow people also gets worse when there is “fuel” for my imagination. Eg. if I watch a scary movie or see a goddamned Facebook Ad for a scary movie trailer that was COMPLETELY uncalled for nor had any warnings *cough*. I’ve tried getting over my fear by using the Resident Evil video game series. But (1) I start shaking the moment I start the game (2) the zombie jumpscares and the creatures the creep up behind scare the fuck outta me (3) watching game plays of it on YouTube help but the gruesome images are stuck in my head (4) scientifically the gruesome creatures are fascinating but not when the lights are out and my imagination goes berserk.
Curiously, I am completely okay with haunted houses. During and after haunted houses I do not get scared. Nor do they provide fuel for my overreative imagination. But I am not okay when I get scared on purpose or accidentally in broad daylight or indoors at home. I do not get scared at school or public places both with or without lights. Public washrooms are an exception… they are public and have lots of people using them BUT if the lights are off/ there is a power outage and there are mirrors in the washroom, I’d rather pee in a bush. All the scares happen in secluded, usually private settings with few to no people other than myself. And of course, without lights. I also cannot look in a mirror in a dark setting. I feel scared of reflections in a mirror and sometimes don’t recognize myself, or fear seeing a shadow person standing behind me in the mirror.
To be honest, I’ve learned to adapt to this. Lights, lights, never enough lights. The price for this is a high electricity bill but hey, it’s better than hallucinating! This hasn’t been much of a handicap until last month, which will be explained in detail in my next post.
Why did I write this at 4AM? I can’t sleep anymore thanks to all those visuals. Ugh